My mom's voice...

It's strange how it hits me. I was leaving Wegman's on Monday, and loading my groceries into my trunk, when I felt a nearly physical pain. It was a stabbing sensation that I missed my mom. I wanted to talk to her, to hear her voice, to give and get a kiss. I don't know what brought it on. Perhaps starting to plan the Thanksgiving holidays and realizing this is the first major holiday without her.

My sister called last night and expressed the same thing...she really wanted to talk to Mom. Our mother was a great listener...she'd let me vent all my frustrations at the little annoying things that build up and I'd feel guilty expressing to my friends or even sometimes to my husband. She wouldn't judge, she'd just listen and somehow by the end of the conversation, we'd be laughing about it and I feel so much better. She never lectured and though I guess she did offer advice it didn't feel proscriptive.

Before she had dementia, I would talk to her nearly every day; usually just about mundane things: recipes, the kids, frustrations at work. Not always just to vent, but just to chat. Now when I get the urge, I call either my brothers or my sister. When I talk to them, I am hearing my mom through their voices. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have them to talk to. I usually feel lucky that I'm the baby of the family (by 7, 10 and 14 years)...the pampered one, I admit it! But as we grow older and I'm seeing my mom's generation disappear, I'm not so sure. I don't think I want to be the last one left of our generation. How lonely.